running away from it all

School is gonna start tomorrow and I feel really stressed, partly cos I thought there was the 1 week thingy and because I thought I will kena quarantine. But honestly the problem lies with myself, I'M BEYOND LAZY. If you asked me to write a essay now I'll probably just faint. OK fine I whine alot too.

I just want to sit here and stone and not move for a few days, but life never gives us what we want huh? I spent the past few days doing some soul searching and I feel pretty much undeserving of everything I have. Its like theres some much guilt from out of nowhere which I just can't suppress.

Every night I sleep, I dream, I dream the same dream over and over and its difficult to accept that its so darn impossible. Gosh it haunts me like a stalker thats always just around the corner, a knife in the back you know is coming.

Seriously I'm losing it. It's ME, it isn't you you know, I'm just.. well abit weird and different I guess. :/ Sometimes I'm just so very TIRED and EXHAUSTED and I just want to let everything go...

but you always give me one good reason to fight and never walk away...

I honestly wish I could forget some things, but I wonder if I would feel better without those memories anyway, its like... empty spaces in your head, kinda scary really, come to think of it, I fear forgetting memories and happy moments in my life, maybe because they're so few and far.

The less you have, the more you hold on tightly to what you have.

There's this sad voice thats telling me what to do and friends and people telling me to focus and work hard and get good grades but I just feel like its so tough, the journey is so difficult for me, I wonder if JC was ever the right path...

But I know its what God has given me now, nothing in my life has ever been a coincidence or random chance. I believe that God gave me those experiences and memories to get something out of me, well... I guess its time I repaid some of his faith huh? I haven't gone for mass in so long, I'm probably the biggest sinner I know and yet... so many maybes and what ifs...

and you, you've been there for me everytime, even though I treat you like shit and make you cry, you still stick by me. I don't know what I've done to be worthy of you! :X But its really nice to have someone to just fall back on and someone who truly accepts me with all my flaws and crankiness.

Oh well, need to do holiday homework now... Sigh... Blog again soon I hope...