Where do I begin?
OK.
I met this girl once, while working part-time last year, I noticed her before we somehow got to know each other, I initially thought she was older than me or something cos of the way she dressed and I thought that she was probably working there full-time. She was cute and attractive in an unassuming way, kinda like the girl-next-door.
Then somehow I got to know her through a colleague, we just clicked almost instantly, what follows is so cliched. All that rubbish about how everything seems too good to be true. And it was. Because she had and still has a boyfriend. In my mind I was like "oh snap, well we can still hang out as friends", since she was going/coming to NTU at the same time as I was and it would be nice to have someone to chill out with once in awhile.
Whatever happened between then and now has been nothing short of a roller coaster ride, both for me and for her I guess. Suffice to say that it was a pretty rough time for her relationship cos her boyfriend got suspicious and became overly possessive and what not of our friendship. I don't blame him entirely, no guy would want to lose a girl as devoted as she was, ironic as it may sound.
The shit kinda got down to the point where I found myself chatting to her boyfriend on Facebook once and honestly, I felt like I was talking to a 14 year old child when he's actually like 24-25ish. I was disappointed, for her. I expected more from him, more maturity, a broader scope in life. What I saw was a spoilt child who was accustomed to getting whatever he wanted. Not to mention that he needs an English tutor, not me for sure.
Whatever. That's just my view.
I tried to convince her to leave him since it seemed like it was going nowhere, she didn't have to leave him for me, she could just leave him to be herself, happy, free, independent, I made that pretty clear every time she confided in me about her problems with him... which was almost always me. Rather awkward but that's just how things went.
Then it somehow reached a point where we had to cut off contact but that only lasted for about two weeks.
We just continued as friends, keeping in touch now and then though there are severe restrictions on our friendship cos he thinks she's totally put me out of her life and we have to like... contact each other in secrecy or something, really sounds ridiculous to me but some men are just... mentally incapacitated.
Then suddenly the friendship just ended, no words, no explanations. It was her asking me for some help with assignments and after about trying to contact her for a week or so I couldn't get a reply. What frustrates and saddens me is not so much the culling of the friendship - because I sincerely wish for her to be happy, yes, even with him and if that means giving up this friendship then it's fine - but that there was no closure to it.
I guess a part of this is that we kinda got emotionally involved too, especially after entering NTU. I was still cool with being purely friends till like one point when she told me something like "if only I'd met you before I met him" kinda thing. It gave me hope for something more and made me consider a whole new world of options, one of them being making her leave him (Yep, Ruben's definitely an asshole/jerk/fucker at this point). But it did, and I guess I kinda felt something from her too. Affection, maybe.
That made me question the whole code I lived by. I've never been keen on cutting up a couple because I wouldn't want the same done to me. It's a matter of self-honour to me and respect for them that I'd never do such a thing.
Until her. Maybe I never really got what she was trying to do but a part of it seemed like she needed convincing to leave him (I mean like their relationship was barely a year long). And on my part I felt like logically and rationally, there was every reason to leave him... for me. Even if it meant me waiting for her to sort it all out and get herself back in the right frame of mind, no matter how long it took.
She's the first person to ever make me second guess my whole psyche, the whole framework which I operate in, and that's what gets to me so badly, because she doesn't know the effect she has. Not just emotionally but mentally.
What do you do when the right thing to do, is the wrong thing?
I could never get around that.
Maybe a part of me still wishes she'd leave him for me. I mean who wouldn't want to be loved?
But another part, the one locked in cold storage, questions myself if I can deal with her flaws even if it happens. Because I have gotten pissed at her for being irresponsible and stuff like that but at the end of the day it's always been fine.
But our friendship isn't fine now, I don't even know if we're still friends. The lack of finality and closure has never been more nerve wracking.
Then again, maybe she's simply doing to me, what I did to someone else in another life, another Ruben.
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