The Self

I think today I finally sat down and thought about my work and Uni for the next 4 years. I thought of Ruben the poet, writer, person, friend and so much more. How on earth did the crazed but utterly gifted do it? How did they handle depression, madness, insanity, split personalities... Does a person even know when he's mad?

But it is when I am in that zone, in the void where I am free of thought yet feeling all emotion that I excel. That my mind is one with the writing. And it flows. I will not pass judgment on my own works but I truly feel a connection and strength to it than when I write for the sake of itself.

Today I actually sat down in the confines of Can B, the normal me would have slept, chatted, day dreamt and what not, but I felt a calling, and at that moment my mind was freed from the noise and the supposed warmth and I looked at Shakespeare's Sonnets, then I looked at myself and back again and it clicked immediately.

I wrote. I typed. Whatever.

It flowed like air currents in a twister. Like droplets in a storm. I wrote because I could believe the truth in my writing, that it was the reality that haunted Shakespeare and other great writers who dreamt of immortalized Love. I could write because I had been there and broke myself against those very same walls in my life.

I wrote, feeling conviction in how fucked up the human soul is. That we yearn for the unattainable. Why do men dream? It is because the dream is so much fucking better than the reality which they face. Which I had faced and will face again.

I remember a close friend once asked me... what makes you so good at expressing yourself in words? How do you do it? I told her that it required the person to take his or her soul on an inward journey of no return, where your heart is ripped from your mind and the one becomes two. It is a destination where one can really feel and observe the world in it's innate beauty, and marvel in the darkness that resides like a spectre lurking in the back. It is often not a choice, but one I would choose again nevertheless.