Frustration

Honestly this sucks. I feel so inferior every time I step onto the field or court these days. My lack of motivation and determination coupled with some really fucked up injuries has held me back and even regressed my development as a player.

I have not made any headway in the past two years and that pisses me off a lot. The foot injury in army really made me question my frailty and ability to recover from injuries. It put me out for a year. A year that I had planned so much for. So many dreams ruined by one fucking retarded moment. And to think the doctor even made a wrong diagnosis to begin with. Pfft.

I'm not even the player I was back in 2008, urgh... I was so much lighter and mobile back then. Then shit happened. Shit that gave me two paths. I took the wrong one, I went into depression and ate and ate and ate. I totally stopped exercising. In essence I ruined myself. All my effort went down the drain in a year. That is the one thing in my life I still regret to this day. I could have reacted better to getting dumped. I should have. But I was so emotionally weak that it ruined me. Even my Civics Tutor said I was just killing myself slowly. But what was I to do? It was so hard to take.

So I lost it. All that I had worked so hard to achieve on the field. The ability to burn defenders for pace down the flanks, roll a marker inside out in the centre. It just left me in that space of a year or less.

I tried many times to get back, while I served in the Air Force and later in BMT. But each time shit happened and I reacted badly to it.

I second guessed my own ability. I had been that good before. Surely I could recapture some of it?

Now I'm just another player. I'm no longer the go to guy for the teams I play for. It sucks. It really does. Because I'm only as good as the team allows me to be.

It frustrates me so badly. It eats at me.

That is why I cannot fail this time. I will not succumb to emotional shit.

I will do my utmost to fulfill the potential I have. I'm going to try and regain what I had 4 years ago, because I believe I still can. :)